piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
on my arm i have a score card from when we apparently had a competition to see who could harden his nipples fastest..
who won?
THAT is your concern right now?
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
