"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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