finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
