A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
