When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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