it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
just tell him i said nine months
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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