omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I wish i was in the wii world.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Randomize
