Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
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