He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
