i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I got inside last night via doggy door
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
