the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
Come share oat with me in your robe
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
