I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
