im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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