Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
