shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Randomize
