we might have left him a semi topless video on his wall. godd i just hope they suspend my accont so i stop doing thses things.....
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
