if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
