Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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