you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
