I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
Randomize
