I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
