his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Journey is playing on the radio....I think it is a sign I am going to pass my drug test
I looked at my own cervix.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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