Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
