You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
