Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Go christen that room with your naked body.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
