Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
Randomize
