You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
oh god was she eating orange peels again
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
