You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
Please, let me fuck your mom
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Randomize
