my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
