We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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