i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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