Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Dude, I don't think I'll ever be able to find a girl for me...
Is this the gay conversation?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
I think this dress is screaming I want a birthday 3some with two moderately attractive guys. I hope.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
