It's Friday. Sex?
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
