Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
apparently in the middle of sex, i said "i just really love the food network i watch it every day"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
