Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
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