I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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