Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Randomize
