so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
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