do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Randomize
