My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
