so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Do you know of any good hiding spots in the Atlanta area?
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
