hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He has no idea he's waking up in slut palace tomorrow morning
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
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