i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Randomize
