she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
