Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
