I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
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