I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I bet they don't have a scenario slide on how to deal with a suggested three way with counsel during harassment training.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Randomize
