thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
