My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Randomize
