i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
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