a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
You are the jesus of drinking
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
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