i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
BRING THE BAGELS
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
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